Sunday, June 19, 2005

Non Knitting Post

Just a warning this entry doesn't contain any knitting so feel free to skip it normal service will be resumed tomorrow.

Why the no knitting well besides being to hot, its the six month anniversary of the day I lost Robin (not helpful when combined with fathers day).

Sometimes it seems like I miss him more now I know that is only an illusion, I just wish that he'd had that chance to come down and meet everyone' some one, we had it all planned he was going to come down in November and meet everyone and ask my dad for my hand (how old fashioned but very him) we didn't get that chance. Nobody got the chance to meet the Robin I knew the one that brought me a pink rose corsage on our first date, the Robin that knew without asking if I'd had a bad journey up and drive us to the closest cafe to get me a cup of Tea, the Robin that took me to a local market gardner each week to buy me all my fresh vegtables for the week to make sure I was eating properly the Robin who never swore in fronet of me (even though apparently he could swear for England), The Robin that made me laugh even if I was crying, the Robin that made me feel like the most important person in the world, instead people get to meet the mess that I am now.

I sometimes wish that I had called his bluff and had gone into that registry office and then at least I would exsist, I don't ecsist legally, not on the death certificate, no right to the home we shared I couldn't even sign the DnR, I know the family recognise me which must be hard for them as they didn't even meet me until he was taken into hospital and they included me in every desicion but its not the same.

People always say how much I did for him but they seem to miss the point he did as much for me yes even when he was really sick I knew that he was there and would do anything he could for me and thats probably what I miss the most he was the person I first spoke to in the morning and the last person I spoke to at night and thats when its worst. We could talk forever we never seemd to run out of things to say ever and now its very quiet. Yes I can still hear him and would hate me feeling so sorry for myself but I just needed to share and maybe it would explain why sometimes I don't get to partyies or gatherings, why sometimes I'm not working on full steam and I'm sorry for that.

Now before anyone worries too much I am fine a little sad but fine and I plan too turn my phone off for the day and go and sit in an air conditioned cinema and enjoy and escape into a fantasy world and try and escape this heat. I hope you will forgive me for my indulgencce.


littlelixie said...

I can't imagine how you're feeling but I'm thinking of you.

Jill said...

The only comfort I can bring is that it does get better, eventually, you will be able to think of the happy times and memories without being sad.

dawn said...

Hi Nic
Jill's absolutely right, time is a great healer, and six months is hardly any time. That first year is crucial - you get all the anniversaries out of the way for the first time. One film which meant a lot to me was Truly Madly Deeply - it's a tearjerker, but when you're bereaved it touches a few chords, though make sure you have some tissues nearby! Just getting through day to day living is a great achievement, you shouldn't underestimate yourself.

Tracy said...

A really big hug to you.

scarletprincess said...

Have a huge hug on me!
Thinking of you x

Jacinta said...

Dear Nic
Just like the REM song 'Everybody hurts....take comfort in your friends. We are there for you.